Poem to a girl i need feedback?

Amanda

As a little kid I'd dream and say,

This will be my life some day,

I'll have a house and perfect wife,

Her and the kids will be my life,

I'll wake up each morning staring at her face,

Knowing my heart will not go waste,

My love for you is like a river flow,

And as time passes it will only grow,

Amanda, such a beautiful name,

Oh how I hope you feel the same,

From first hug to first kiss to our wedding date,

Me and you define the word fate,

I have you now and I'll hold you tight,

I could never and will never let you out of my sight,

I love you Amanda and always will,

And this poem is to show how I feel,

To put my emotions is words isn't fair,

Since compared to the truth its only a hair,

I know we bicker and get in little fights,

But you and I know I can never be right,

In loves eyes God put us together,

And hand in hand will stay forever,

Just the thought of you makes me smile,

I haven't felt like this in a while,

To tell the truth I've never felt like this,

You sent all the others into abyss,

Amanda Nicole you have my heart,

Its all for you, every part,

So just know when I look at that gorgeous face,

You take me to another place,

In your eyes I see that day,

Where my heart and yours will forever stay.

Poem to a girl i need feedback?

Wow, that's soft (and, by soft.. I mean "weak").

If you mean to propose to her, just do it.

"You've sent all others in the abyss"? (please) how awful to rhyme with "this"... what about kiss, dopey.. how about adding the word "kiss" to a love-poem?

While there are, and will always be girls/women that will 'fall' for anything -- a modern woman would be able to see right through this as a novice work by a kid, or an unskilled verbal attempt at using 15-minutes to say something they might have accomplished in 5-10 seconds. Sometimes, if you can't be more direct.. it shows you really are more into the WAY you are trying to say it, and not specifically what you intend to say -- you're more in love with YOURSELF and what you think is a talent you have (my guess? your mom told you, that you're a poet..). But, as an adult from my perspective -- I say try again.

If you took time to write/post this -- you deserve MY time as a reader and an HONEST opinion from a man. If you're looking to dupe a young teen -- into believing that you go to bed %26amp; awake with the visions of her raising your children.. you're running into a vague-area of lying "lyrically"... because as long %26amp; flowery as your poem is.. its NOT POETIC at all. It's merely a promise of a longing. If this is designed as anything but admitting what you want, and what you are promsing/envisioning.. then, you're simply trying to trick the girl. HOWEVER, you are WEARING A SUIT %26amp; TIE in your icon.. which means, you're not that young -- although you write like a teenager... PS -- As a man myself, you used to dream "as a little kid" of a wife/kids? sorry, in reality there's NOT a boy that gives a rats' rear about children of his own -- most boys would rather have a frog, or be a Baseball player. Come on, what are you trying to accomplish with a woman? (How about taking her to dinner, and showing her that you love her.. instead of writing this nonsense, so you can show mom a record of what you wrote?)

A poem is supposed to reflect reality, and show another way of observing or expressing something -- you are flat out "saying" a littany of things you want her to KNOW.. so, you better back that up, boy.

Poem to a girl i need feedback?

Depends on her age, girls typically like that kind of stuff. Older girls may not fall for it. Also recheck for grammar such as "To put my emotions IS words isn't fair,"

Poem to a girl i need feedback?

aww, how sweet! I'd be honored if it were for me.

Poem to a girl i need feedback?

VERY nice!

A few suggestions:

how about "gazing at her face" instead of staring. I personally can't stand being stared at, lol.

"go to waste" instead of "go waste"

"you and I" instead of "me and you" define the word fate

to put my emotions in words instead of "is words"

"it's all for you" rather than "its all for you"

"in love's eyes" rather than "in loves eyes"

Poem to a girl i need feedback?

thats amazing

shes lucky to have you

not many guys are that sensitive

good job :D

Poem to a girl i need feedback?

Are you engaged? About to be? Because if not the "to our wedding date" part could scare her a bit. But other than that...she should love it! It's a beautiful poem for a beautiful girl in your life.

Poem to a girl i need feedback?

Touching. Not very men out there with such passion and emotion. Thanks for sharing!!

Poem to a girl i need feedback?

so typical. like i've read/ heard this poem before. and if you're going to propose to her, words that flow continuously right from your mouth that speaks your very soul, they're the sweetest. ^_^

Poem to a girl i need feedback?

i think it ok, but it sounds and rythmes ike a little kid wrote it

Poem to a girl i need feedback?

i agree any girl i know would be tickled to get a poem from her boyfriend !

poems dont always have to rhyme, just write what you feel you might like to try looking up a sonnet rhyme scheme, since you do have some nice rhymes going on

Poem to a girl i need feedback?

It is VERY cute, aside from a lack of proper punctuation. I'm glad you like my name so much, though! :) Anyways, I think it really depends on the girl you're giving this poem to and her tastes. If you guys are *really* serious and she's someone who loves poetry, then it's perfect.

Poem to a girl i need feedback?

oh this might be a nice poem if you add some literal devices to it. for example::: symbols, alliteration,imagery metaphor ...then the meaning of the poem will be deeper.. there are too obvious meanings in the poem. 璋?hope you will be successful.:::)))

Poem to a girl i need feedback?

To answer to the first guy, I am an "older" girl, and think this poem is absolutley Marvelous. A man takes the time to sit down and actually thinks about the love he feels for the women he loves, and takes the time to write down his feelings for her, wow.....seldom heard of. I would also be honored to receive this gift, no matter at what age. Who says that a dimond is a girls best friend. I wish I was Amanda (-:

Poem to a girl i need feedback?

You should know her better than anyone. Ask yourself if she'll like it. Personally I wouldn't give it to her unless you got a ring to go along with it. If your just trying to woe her on your second date or something, she might think your a freak. If she is one of those girls that cry every time someone mentions the Notebook, she'll probably like it then!

Poem to a girl i need feedback?

A couple things:

It depends on the context of your relationship. Assuming this is someone who you've been seeing for awhile they will probably be touched and take it well.

If it's someone you've just met they will get a restraining order and pull out pepper spray. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here.

My honest opinion though is that even though she will be touched by anything you've done from the heart. There are some changes you could make to make this stronger.

Condense it there are areas you could cut that would make this better. Read this out loud you'll find the trouble areas (better if you do this yourself). Read it slowly for comprehension and ask yourself what's being said. This will help it to be less trite.

Example:

As a little kid I'd dream and say,

This will be my life some day,

I'll have a house and perfect wife,

Her and the kids will be my life,

Nice sentiment, but upon reflection she may say to herself "perfect" wife. Who's perfect? Does he love my imperfections? There is always this part of people that thinks: If they really knew me, they wouldn't love_______.

I'm not trying to overanalyze your words. I'd just like you to not worry about rhyme and walk through the ideas you present to her.

Next, Her and the kids will be my life. Again, this is a nice sentiment. Does she have kids already? If not, will this make her feel as a means to an end to get you the perfect life you've imagined since childhood.

I'm sure she won't, but go over what you've written slowly, and adjust where necessary.

Just my thoughts.

Poem to a girl i need feedback?

oh wow! that's beautiful! i know i would love it if my boyfriend wrote it for me! keep writing! it's amazing!

Poem to a girl i need feedback?

This is a beautiful wedding vow to be recited during the marriage ceremony.

My advice: give her the poem and watch her smile.

Poem to a girl i need feedback?

Despite the critics, you are really talented. You should definitely use this because you've got a great imagination and unique way of writing. I'm sure the girl who gets this will be really happy afterwards. More guys should be as sensitive as you. Unfortunately, that's not gonna happen in this lifetime. You are a terrific writer and I would love to read more of your work. Keep your head up and keep going. This is great poetry and I believe you can go a long way. Great Job.

Poem to a girl i need feedback?

it is allright i am not saying it is bad but spice it up a bit more but it is very touchy.