Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

i love my older sister but she is the one that the family always has to do things for in order for her to be involved. which is okay but at a time where worries are to be to a minimum, why should i ask her to be in my wedding if she can not afford it.

i thought it would be rude to ask her to be in it if she cant afford it but my mom says im wrong for not asking.

so i ask her to be fair, she says she wants to be in it and i told her, gotta pay for your dress, shoes, hair, nails and all that plus travel when we get with the other girls. my wedding is outta town and she has 5 kids and her and my mom are mad cuz i wont have her children running around a mansion.

NO KIDS goes for everyone. then she already missed 2 get togethers with the others because she couldnt get there or find a sitter.

is it time to be replaced or do i let family ruin something so sweet and peaceful with her personal issues. my close friends are begging to have her spot, is it me? or is this not fair at all?

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

Ok, I am currently in a similar situation, so I hope this helps...

Being a bridesmaid or maid of honor in someone's wedding comes with responsibility. Financially, all your girls need to afford to do the following: buy a dress, shoes, jewelry, get their hair done (and makeup too if you want), bridal shower, bachelorette party, gifts.

They are also responsible for going to fittings for themselves and going with you for yours, helping to plan events around your wedding, helping you out in general.

If your sister cannot meet those requirements, then it is not fair for your family to force you (that's right, they're forcing you) to have her in it. I have 3 sisters, and only one of them is in my wedding. It may seem unfair to outsiders, but they don't know the situation. 2 of my 3 sisters cannot afford to be in the wedding. One doesn't have a job and the other one has a family to take care of as well as a house. So, they completely understood me not putting them in the party, and actually admitted to me that they wouldn't have had the time or the money to do so. So, if you do not think she will be able to help, financially or otherwise, don't have her in the party. If she is already in the party, and not doing her part, just let her know that other girls will be taking responsibility for what she is doing.

Don't let this ruin your wedding. Remember, it's YOUR wedding.

Good luck. :)

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

let your friends have her spot....good luck

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

Not inviting your sister to be in your wedding back is not good, sweetie. Even if she says no, you asked her out of courtesy. She is your family memeber and remember, blood is thicker than water (always and forever).

As for the No Kids thing, that is reasonable. A lot of people prefer weddings without children.

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

20 years from now some of these friends will be history, and your sister will still be your sister. Do NOT screw up that relationship.

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

You sound like self-righteous white trash, and you're also a major league spoiled brat assbag for treating your own sister this way. Karma is a term you should become familiar with.

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

If she can't follow the rules, then she can't go. It's YOUR special day, not hers. You shouldn't have to wrap your schedule and rules around her needs. Talk with her again, and if she still complains, just give her spot to one of your friends.

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

Having 5 kids is enough drama, and she has to put up with yoru selfish spoiled attitude too?

WOW.

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

Its not rude to ask her because you ASSUME she cant pay. I would think /hope she would step down if she didnt feel she could purchase whatever she needs to in order to be in the wedding. Sit her down and tell her what the expectations are and ask her can she commit because if she misses any other meets....she is out!! Just give her one last chance!!

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

Honestly (and I'm not tryign to be a *****) it sounds like you need to research what the role of bridesmaids are. They are not the brides personal slaves.

They are required at the wedding, the rehersal, and the showers. That's it. They dont even have to to a bachlorette party. There's been this nasty trend lately of self-centeredness in weddings. They've moved from lovely affairs celebrating the union with family and friends to the brides personal showcase.

So look closely at what you are asking...is it to much? If so then back off a bit. If your sis is truely a pain then give her a warning.

I would also like to point out that these 5 kids are YOUR neices and nephews! You don't need to have them at the wedding, I am all for no children weddings, but would it hurt to be a bit sympathetic? Offer to help her find a sitter at the least!

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

Is it really necessary that she's at all your functions? I mean, if she lives out-of-town, it makes sense that she wouldn't be able to attend every little soiree.

Sorry, but it sounds to me like you're being a bit of a bridezilla. It's not nice to mandate that your bridesmaids (sisters or not) get their hair, makeup and nails done unless you want to pay for it. As for her kids, have you tried to find a babysitter for her? Since you live there and she doesn't, it'd be the courteous thing to do. And other guests may need one too! How about renting a hotel room and two babysitters to watch kids for the evening while their parents are having a good time at your reception?

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

I don't think you should have someone be in your wedding just because someone tells you to. But I also don't think it's up to you to decide whether or not she can afford it, even if you don't think she would be able to.

Chances are your mom is saying that because your sister is hurt you aren't including her at all. I personally think it is really sad that you even have to ask about including your sister, I for one know my sister will be my bridesmaid and right hand.

If you end up asking her, make sure you do it because YOU truly want her by your side. And if you do, then make it clear about some of the rules and that she is no exception, even if she is family.

And about your friends begging to have her spot, I cant even address that.. I don't know why they would know a "spot" is up for grabs anyway. I hope you getting married not only gives you a husband but gets you some class too.

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

Tell your Mom if she wants your sister in it, then she has to pay for the dress and everything that goes with it and the baby sitter and her traveling expenses, otherwise you are having a friend in her place! It was your sister's choice to have 5 kids and if that keeps her from participating in family events, oh well!

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

you were fair in the whole situation. no kids os for everyone so you aren't playing faves. you informed her what she needed to pay for up front and everything. if they don't get that you aren't playing faves and have her kids running around like maniacs then that is their issue. i would find another spot for her in the wedding. replace her with another person and see if she could do a reading or something for you during the ceremony. that way she won't be totally left out and is still in it. i think you were being fair and straightforward with her.

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

It is your wedding. Is your mom paying? I would think your mom would want you to have everything just the way you want it but it seems not so. In any event , if she is paying then change it to say you are going to have just a small wedding now and pay for it yourself. If she is not paying then tell her and everyone else that you are so sorry to disappoint everyone but you feel that if you dont do things the way you want you will regret it in later years. You are being manipulated. THEN stop talking about your plans to anyone except your fiance

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

It was proper of you to ask your sister to be in the wedding.

Yes I know it's your fiance and your day,deep down it made her feel good to be asked. Everyone likes to be included in things.

The dress and accessories, can your family chip in to help with everything? Or her husband or boyfriend?

Children issue. Is there a sitter near the mansion. I apologize but I too feel children shouldn't be at a wedding . Perhaps she has a friend who could look after her children while she is at your wedding.

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

Ask her to be there, but without children. It will save her money and your peace of mind.

Family celebrations are precious to some of us, and by not inviting might mean a lot to someone, even if she could not afford to come by herselve. I think that your relatives should pay attention a little more to your sisters baby sitter problem and help her in it.

If they refuse of it when you ask them, it indicates that it`s your other part of the family should be the one to stay out of the party. Being poor by not having a job or getting too many children are innocernt reasons in this life to be poor, and those people should not be judjed. If your sister were drug addict or somethin, that woud be like a reason itself to keep her out. But children and being poor?........invite her and tell your mom to arrange a babysitter, I say!

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

I don't understand why you can't help her out! Yeah she may get a lot of help, but she is your sister and thats that! Help her out and let her help you enjoy your day! What's the big deal!

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

since your mom put so much pressure on you to invite her to be a part of the wedding then put the pressure back on her... explain to her that your sisters absence at the gatherings is unacceptable and that being there for every step of the way is what you require and since she pushed you to invite her then she should help make sure there is a babysitter and gas money.... i agree with the others though... to x her now would be an everlasting hurt between you two...

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

its your wedding - you do what you want. Its the only day in your life you have a pass to act like a jerk and people have to accept it! I feel bad for her kids tho, do they feel like you dont want them there - they may think there is something wrong with them which is why they cant come. I would make sure they know how much you love them and try to take them someplace special just you and them to make them feel included too :)

happy wedding planning!!!

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

maybe your Mom will pay all the expenses including a reliable sitter for her children

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

To be honest with you, none of my sisters are in my wedding. I could not have all of them so I chose none of them. They are fine with it.

Sit down and talk to her about it. Tell her you really want her there with you and in your wedding, but you know that it is hard for her to get there. She will understand and it will make you feel better.

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

You asked her to be in the wedding even though you knew she couldn't afford it. What was your plan to deal with this? Did your mother say she would pay for everything? If not, then sorry, you're stuck the bill. You said you wanted her in the wedding, and the only thing she didn't do was miss 2 get togethers (I don't know why you guys have to meet so often) due to transportation and sitters.

She's your sister and you wanted her to be there. So suck it up, act like a grownup and figure it out. Pay for the dress, shoes and hair and just expect her to show up to the shower and wedding. I have a friend in my wedding party that I knew couldn't afford that much, but I wanted her there anyway. So I bought her dress, my MOH gave her responsibilities for the shower that's cheap, and it's working out. Her standing at my wedding is much more important than money.

And by the way, your sister would be mad about the no kids rule even if she wasn't in your wedding, so that's not even the issue.

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

Perhaps it would of been easier for all had you stuck to your guns and not asked her to be a bridesmaid in the first place. Too late now tho. If it had been so important to your mother that you ask her, maybe she should have footed the bill for your sister, knowing she doesnt have a lot of spare cash.

I think you might just need to sit down with her and explain what you expect of her and tell her that you need a bridesmaid that will attend all functions. You cant really fire her but you can leave the door open for her to change her mind. An easy out for her.

Seriously, if she has 5 kids and no job, I cant see how she can afford the dress, shoes and travel expenses. She should have other priorities.

If I was her, with 5 kids to feed and bills to pay, I would never have agreed to be in the wedding in the first place. And If my kids were not invited, and no sitter had been offered for them, then I am afraid I would bypass the whole wedding.

I do think you are lacking a lot in compassion, your attitude seems to be, it's my wedding so she does what I want or she is out. She may have desperately wanted to be a part of it. And agreed, not realising how expensive it was going to end up.

But you know what? there are things more in portant in life than one persons wedding....like family for instance. I cant believe you would not have your own sisters children at your wedding. Friends and cousins kids etc, fair enough, but your own nieces and nephews??? Come on. What happened to the days when weddings were for family to send good wishes and love. Hard to do that when children, a big part of the family, are excluded. When my nephew recently married he invited All of my children....because he loves them and couldnt imagine getting married without them there. Three were flower girls. All were exceptionally well behaved and just grateful to be there. I understand not wanting EVERYONES kids at the wedding, but these are your nephews and nieces. Someday you might be lucky enough to have children and if and when this happens you might understand what it is like for them to be made unwelcome somewhere. Then again you sound a little selfish to be considering children anyways.

Stop being such a princess and think of others for a change. Your Wedding day isnt the be all and end all for everyone. Put yourself in her position.

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

I am kind of going through the same thing you are. My sister cannot stop having kids. She has no job, a grip of kids, and lives off welfare. That was all fine, whatever, but I found out she ALLOWED her daughter to be molested and raped from the age of 8 to 12 in fear that they would lose the roof over their head. She told my neice that it was ok because she hadnt started her period yet. My parents eventually got custody of my neice and oldest nephew, but my sister still had like 4 or 5 kids. I never spoke to my sister again after my neice told me what was happening to her. Now, my family is telling me that my sister has a job, is trying to better her life, etc and that I need to forgive her and invite her to my wedding and she should be in it. I told them that I dont care. Not only will I never forgive her for what she did, I will have to pay for her dress and everything. I dont even want her there. I am glad she is TRYING to do better for her kids, but I have seen this cycle one too many times. Why is it my fault and my RESPONSIBILITY to be there for her? I am there for her daughter. Anyway, it is not your responsibility. Do not listen to these people that have no clue what you have been through or are going through. Put your foot down. There are places to make exceptions, but if you feel strongly about it, stand up for yourself. You have valid reasons for not wanting her to be in your wedding party. It is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. If your mom wants to pay for everything for her, then ok......but DO NOT make it your problem. I told everyone, my sister is the one exception I will not make. I wish you the best. Good luck.

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

OK so you have already asked her, no- you can not "unask" her.

But you do need to sit down with your mother and let her know that since she was the one who insisted that the sister be in the wedding that the two of them are responsible to get the dress, shoes and such. Tell her you need to know now that these things are taken care of within the next two weeks (if that allows enough time) so that you will be able to make other arrangements if necessary.

Give a written list of the other things that will be last minute (like hair, nails, etc.) with an estimate for each to your mother. Talk to her honestly about the expenses. If she is willing to pay for them, OK. If not, she needs to talk to your sister to see about sharing the cost.

If they both come back and they say that it can't be done, then say that "So and So" is able to handle the cost right now and lets substitute her since time is important.

When my cousin (my MOH) made her own 6 year old daughter my bride's maid (I found out 10 minutes before the wedding why the kid was so dressed up) I refused to let her do it. To be forced to have someone in your wedding just because they are family causes hard feelings on both sides.

To this day, my cousin and my aunt still think I owe them money for the kid's clothes and shoes because she wasn't allowed in the wedding. As my grandmother told them "Hockeypuck".

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

it is your wedding. you have it the way you want it. it is your day not hers. you have enough to pay for. i'd say if one of your other friends can pay for it, let them have her spot. i mean i understand she's your sister, but still if you have to change your whole wedding just to accomodate her, is it really worth it?

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

Wow. Sounds like you have quite the drama queen for your sister, and demanding to boot!

It's true that she is your sister, but that doesn't mean you are close enough to her to have her in the bridal party. I also understand the "NO KIDS" policy. Weddings are adult celebrations.

Have you talked to her one on one? Let her know that you'd love to have her in the party, but you know her finances are tight and you don't want to overburden her. Tell her you are concerned she is not able to make it to the get togethers with the other girls. Ask her if perhaps it would be easier for her to have a smaller part in the ceremony... one that would be less financially draining. Make sure you let her know you'd understand if she backed out.

Give her that option and see how things go. That way SHE has made the decision and you don't look like the bad guy. If she does decide to go forward, you may just have to deal with it. After that point, don't allow people to walk all over you and expect to pay for everything for her just because she is your sister.

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

This is how I would fix your problem and that every one will be happy about it......

First sit and chat with you maids see how much the to cost will be or around it.

second sit with mom and sister and explain this.....

"Sis I love to have you in my wedding party but it is so unfair to you that the cost is going to be around X amount. I know I would rather you spend it on the kids. I was thinking maybe you just that like come and enjoy the day by yourself and help me with all the little details that the other girls cant because there be do busy getting ready."

If mom says something then bust this out "Well Mom maybe you can help you her pay for the dress shoes and other stuff because I really like

Sis to be in the wedding to" " I would but were already on such a tight budget I cant help her" That should stop them both dead in their tracks.

Then they both should back down from your "suggestions" you can place what ever friend you like in her spot and have a few "special things" for your sis to do that way she feels as though she part of the wedding and you get your way, Mom will be happy (she didn't pay for anything and sis is a part of the wedding) and life goes on in peace. However don't mention your brilliant plan to any one it will get back to them. Best wishes and good luck on your special day.

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

I think that if she agreed to be in your wedding, then she needs to understand that she pays. That's the deal! I don't think you should have to pay for her, nor should you feel guilty about asking her to step down. Also, I understand the "no kids" rule. Do what you want! It's your wedding, you only get married once! People may be upset or angry at your decisions, but at the end of the day, you'll be forgiven and you'll be sorry if you have her in it and it ruins your wedding day. Planning should be fun and exciting, not stressful and miserable!

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

You're wedding lasts only one day. She is your sister forever. And that is more important.

Sometimes perspective is much clearer when tragic circumstances are present. When we loose someone close to us, we often regret something we should have done for that person.

If you (God forbid) were to loose your sister, is not letting her in your wedding something you'd regret?

Have you ever heard what Dr. Laura says about young brides? Do yourself a favor, and don't call into her show. She'd rip you apart!

Not being in the wedding makes her not my problem, is that so wrong?

I dunno, what do you want more-- smooth relations with your family for the next forty years, or a bit of money?